1. Spend 2 1/2 – 3 years fighting for love with the WRONG woman. Yep, I honestly did waste that much time on something that I never should have been in past the first 4 months.

2. During that 2 1/2 – 3 years, ignore, refute, deny and block out all of the advice against your ill-fated path that your loved ones try to impress upon you.  Having almost everyone you love tell you that what you’re doing is wrong shouldn’t be a red flag anyway right?

3. Stop paying attention to the ones that deserve attention the most and instead, focus most of your attention on that one wrong person (see item #1 above).  Your children, your parents, your closest friends; they’ll all still be there no matter what won’t they?

4. Throw caution to the wind and forget all about all of the values and principles that made you who you were BEFORE you began step #1.  Honesty? Loyalty? Morality? Heck, those are just words and you don’t need them.

5. Work on building solid relationships with regret and depression.  Someday they just might be the only things you have to cling to.

Well, in a nutshell those are the main steps I took and I can honestly tell you that they worked.  Looking back on it all I can see that I’ve left a trail of pain, damage, heartache and discontent.  I have lost friendships, some of which may never be repaired.  I’ve been disowned by my parents (yes, this is true).  I’ve hurt and disrespected people whom were only trying to help me.  I brought a world of confusion, hurt and anger to my children.  Hell, I have been told a couple of times recently that my kids got to the point where they didn’t even want to come home anymore.  I hope they don’t feel that way anymore, but maybe they do.

So there you have it.  I have shown you the steps (in general) that I took and backed it up with the evidence that shows my success in making myself the “Bad Guy”.  I can’t even begin to say how sorry I am to everyone that my actions have impacted but more so my children.  They have had to deal with a lot of crap that they shouldn’t have had to. I didn’t, and still don’t want to lose all the things that I have but even if I can never replenish those things I think I can still make it as long as I have my children.  They are the only ones that I hear “I love you” from, the only ones that I still get hugs from, the only ones that still smile at me.  I am so sorry…so very sorry.  I am going to try to make things better, that’s all I can do.

Jeff (aka Bad Guy)

#1.  She has to love kids and be a great mother: Or she must at least have great motherly instincts (assuming she may not have children).  This characteristic is paramount for me since I have two children of my own and nothing, living, dead, or otherwise will EVER be more important to me than my children.  The bottom line on this is that if she can’t connect with my kids, then I can’t connect with her.

#2. Sense of humor/good attitude:  The two kind of go hand in hand don’t they?  I mean, people with shitty attitudes don’t laugh much now do they?  Laughter is the best medicine for the heart and soul, the more she can feed me, the more I can feed her…and visa versa.  Besides, a famous woman once said “If you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything!”  So far, I’ve found that statement to be true.  Further to that, if she has the wit to make me laugh regularly then she DEFINITELY holds a lot of cards (if you know what I mean).

#3.  Honesty and Loyalty: I’m not sure that there’s much need to expand on this as it’s quite self-explanatory.  Speak the truth, no matter how painful it may be.  Keep your word no matter how difficult it is to do so.  Stand by the man who stands beside you…always!

#4 Strong but soft:  I want a woman who wants me but not one that necessarily needs me.  Let me clarify.  To need me on a romantic/emotional level is fine, in fact, I LOVE that.  To need me as in, she literally couldn’t survive life on her own, isn’t the most attractive quality.  Sure, that kind of need often gets parlayed into feeling like you’re the “King” of her world, but for me that’s a bit much (true, I’m guilty of being there once or twice).  Strong but soft means a woman whom is quite capable of standing on her own and kicking life in the teeth, but she chooses not to because being with me is just that damn good!

#5 Intelligence / Intellect: Alright, so even though my track record with women doesn’t always reflect this characteristic (not naming any names here) I do still find an intelligent woman to be incredibly attractive.  A smart, articulate woman isn’t intimidating or off-putting, (as long as it doesn’t go to her head) in fact its extremely sexy!  If a woman can whip me into an intellectual frenzy then I can pretty much guarantee it will pay HUGE dividends for her later.

Now be honest, are you surprised that nowhere in the previous items did I mention anything physical, or anything sexual?  Of course you’re surprised, after all, I’m a man.  All joking aside, a woman’s appearance and the sexual chemistry that a man has with her ARE very important and vital to a strong relationship, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about.  The items I’ve listed above outweigh the physical/sexual qualities in my opinion.  Is there anything that I missed?  Anything you’d like to add here?  Please, speak up!

Chaos:

Life is chaos.  Everyday, every hour and every minute we live in the presence of chaos.  You may not think so at first, but read that definition again and think about it for a minute.  Can you think of anything that is a more “…complex natural system” than all of the living beings and forces of nature that exist on this planet every single day?  For example, consider a simple rain drop.  If you could follow it from the moment it first sprang forth from the cloud all the way to the point where it came to rest upon the earth, could you predict its path?  Would you be able to determine in advance where it would land or the twists and turns it would take along the way?  Of course the answer to these questions is definitely “No!”  Now, lets say that our rain drop never actually made it all the way to the ground but instead was flung against the window that you were gazing through to watch the rain.  Could you place your finger on the window and trace the exact path that the rain drop would take as gravity pulled it down the window?  Would you know which specific spot at which it would contact the window sill?  Again, the answer is “No!”

The sum of our day-to-day lives and how they affect each other is most certainly a complex, yet natural system that is inherently unpredictable.  Yes, of course, there are plenty of things that we can, and do predict happening in our lives each day but there’s a lot more that we can’t predict.  Much like the rain drop, where we start is predictable, and where we intend to finish is predictable.  In between those two points however, is an infinite number of things that, whether largely or very subtly, influence the direction of the path that connects the beginning to the end of each and every day as well as the path of life in general.

The though of so much being complex and unpredictable seems almost imposing, but recently I have most certainly found a comfort there and an elegance in the unpredictability.  I have realized that the possibilities for where this life can and will take me are limitless.  Sure, my actions and motives as a human have the most profound effect usually, but there are random times when something, or someone, that you never saw coming, can instantly change your path in a very positive way.  Certain such random things have actually occurred in my own day to day life recently and suddenly I find that my daily path, as well as my overall path in life, looks and feels supremely better than what I’ve noticed in a number of years.   Just within the past few days, chaos has provided me with things that have my optimism extremely high, my confidence steadily on the rise, and have the promise of new and fruitful ventures.

Thank you Chaos!

On a side note; I can’t help but notice that what I have already written, after 4 hours of consuming, is still well beyond the intellectual reach of  my most current (and possibly my deepest) love, yet I still miss her.  But what can I do?. Sorry C, not intending to throw you under the bus.

Like I said, I’m all over the place and had to throw that in. Resuming the central axiom for which  I was previously lecturing.  I desperately wish that I were able to verbalize  my thoughts  when in a completely unaltered state of mind.  Why, oh why can’t I express these sentiments without what many refer to as “liquid courage?”  I am fully aware of what I am feeling and yet…98% of the time, my tongue is  silenced. Which psychological phenomenon are at work when alcohol  asks my limbic system to do the cha-cha and it throws on its best pair of dancing shoes?  Why is it that only then do the most truthful and heartfelt nuggets of  meaning pour from  my heart? Hell if I know.

The one good thing that I can say about this is that there has not been, and will be no, drunk texting or dialing to the one from which much of my recent heartache has spawned.  Isn’t it sad that it took a measurable B.A.  in order for me to write like this tonight?

Thank you,

Jeff

I have found and collected most of those pieces, which is where the request for your assistance comes in.  I can’t quite get all of them to fit where they once were.  It’s not a physical or geometric problem but rather a situation in which  certain pieces just don’t feel right no matter where I try to locate them.  Could it be that in losing certain pieces they became obsolete?  That they would no longer apply to who I am? I have to at least consider the possibility that some of the spaces left behind when parts were lost may have changed, evolved, became more adapt to new and,  as of yet, unseen pieces.  Well, that’s what I am asking for help with.  Most of the old pieces fit, but some don’t…please tell me what you think that means?

Thank you.

There are only a couple of “public” blogs that I follow regularly but I would like to nominate them as well.  Here are my picks:

http://fabulasscat1.wordpress.com/

http://viewfromwitsend.wordpress.com/

The Liebster Blog Award is given to up-and-coming bloggers with fewer than 200 followers. The rules for the award are:

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

2. Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter and link back to them.

3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog

The  year started off with a smile and a promise of some real love and happiness.  I actually had the opportunity to ring in the new year with someone very special, so right off the bat that’s gotta be a good start right?  My children were there as were hers and we all had a wonderful evening together.   After all that had come to pass in 2010 I decided that I would do my best to begin 2011 with the attitude that things could and would only get better.

Enjoyed a nice birthday in mid February and didn’t seem to be bothered by sum of years that it represented.  As the saying goes “Age is just a number”, personally I think that was originally said by someone who was simply in denial of the fact that they themselves were getting old.  In all honesty I really don’t feel like I’m getting old.  I had a couple of my very best and cherished friends to spend my birthday with and they made sure that I had a great night.  It would have been nice if a few other of my really good friends could have made but I can’t complain.

I had a tough moment in March when someone very special and dear to me moved away.  At the time, we had planned that we’d see each other again and that we’d find a way back to each other.  Things look a lot different now than what I had expected or hoped for, the desired results just didn’t come to fruition.  Ahhh, whats a guy to do when the other person doesn’t hold up their end of the deal?

In May my son entered and ultimately placed 3rd in the 2011 Southern Colorado Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Championship.  He seems to have found a passion for the sport and I couldn’t be more proud of his commitment and heart.  It has become something that I want to seriously support and encourage him with.  Sure, it has its risks and dangers but I have always contended that I wouldn’t close any doors to my children as long as there wasn’t a moral and/or ethical argument that could be made against it.  Its been slow going and we haven’t done as much with it as we would like but there are some opportunities on the horizon that could really open things up.

The summer was a good one and we all had some fun.  B-Street on Friday nights in June was a lot of fun and I also enjoyed a very nice Father’s Day with my children.  The kids’ aunt, uncle and cousin visited here at the beginning of July then took the kids with them to Illinois for a couple of weeks of vacation.  I’m so glad that they got to spend some time together, it had been quite a while since their last visit.  I spent the 4th with some good friends and had a great time.

The children returned to school in mid-August and in the fall we celebrated their birthdays.  My daughter’s birthday was in September and we did that one a little more low-key than usual but had fun none the less, the pinata was a big hit (no pun intended).  My son’s birthday was in October and we did his party a little bigger than usual, we had a large group of family and friends and he even got a very special birthday cake (see photo) that was, shall we say, a little more on the grown up side.  We all had a lot of fun at both birthday parties and I was glad to see that the kids were happy.  I just can’t believe that they are already 11 and 17 years old.  Scary stuff!

Halloween turned out to be a very fun and crazy night.  I didn’t do much in the way of a costume, kind of did a half-assed attempt at a reggae thing that was actually a bit on the lame side.  I did, however, end up at a very nice Halloween party where there were several interesting costumes.  My friend, who hosted the party, made a really cool costume of Sack Boy from the game Little Big Planet.  Two other interesting party goers were the two girls that nobody knew and turned out to be nothing more than party crashers.  Although the night was fun I have to say that I learned a valuable lesson…Krunk Juice is BAD!!!

My son was in another tournament in November, this time we actually made an overnight trip out of it.  Though he fought hard, he didn’t have a very good day.  He lost 2 matches and was even submitted in one of them.  He was very upset with himself and didn’t take it very well at first.  It will certainly serve as a lesson for future events and I believe that it has only strengthened his resolve.  By the way, there is another tournament in February that he will likely compete in, so if you’re interested let me know.  All I can say is that I am very proud of how hard he has worked and how much he has learned in a short period of time.

That brings us to December.  Obviously, there were plenty more things that took place throughout the year but I wanted to touch on some of the bigger highlights for me.  So far in December  I have been staying busy with work, the kids and things at home.  Preparing for Christmas has also kept me busy as I’m sure it does for everyone.  I anticipate that the next 13 days and the holidays will definitely go well and I am looking forward to yet another year of improvement.  I can’t wait to see how much better things get in 2012.

Happy Holidays to you all and thank you for reading.

~Jeff~

What You’ve Asked of Me

You asked me to spend my childhood with little guidance and an abundance of horrible examples yet still learn to do the right thing…

…so I did.

You asked me to grow up in the midst of alcoholics and drug addicts without  becoming one myself…

…so I did.

You asked me to see the men that I wanted to look up to beat and abuse their wives and girlfriends and realize that I would not be that way toward women; I would and will always treat them with kindness and respect…

…so I did.

You asked me to feed, clothe, love and care for two little girls, one of whom was but a baby, when I myself was still just a child…

…so I did.

You asked me to take a path other than the one that those two little girls were on and to keep faith that we would not lose one another along the way…

…so I did.

You asked me when I was a very young man to stand, unyielding, in front of  an older more imposing man and not allow him to hurt his wife and sons ever again…

…so I did.

You asked me to become a father, role model and family man well before I had planned on it and possibly before I was even ready for it…

…so I did.

You asked me after 10 years of marriage and 13 years of companionship, to look my children in their eyes and with strength and comfort in my voice tell them that their mother and I were getting a divorce…

…so I did.

You asked me to push my pain and sorrow to the background in order to provide my children with a ne found hope and confidence for the future…

…so I did.

You asked me to open my heart once again, to fall deeply in love and fight for that love over the long run even though the object of that love wasn’t yet who I thought she was or wanted her to be…

…so I did.

Now…you’re asking me to renew my faith, climb my way out of a deep hole, and find my way back to the top again…

…and so I shall.